Gossip, according to author Bob Burg, is like “feathers in the wind” -- once feathers are scattered to the wind it’s impossible to get them back. And once the hurtful words of gossip are spread, it’s as impossible to take them back as it is to retrieve the scattered feathers. In this conclusion of our interview, Mr. Burg shares his insight on the rewards of giving up gossip.
How can we tell the difference between gossip and information that should be shared?
If divulging a particular piece of information would protect someone’s physical, emotional or financial health, then not only is it OK to share that information, one is encouraged to do so. In other words, you can communicate information, even if it reflects negatively on a person, if there is a clear, positive, constructive purpose; if you genuinely are trying to help that person. There’s a difference between speaking to friends about someone’s troubled marriage, for instance, and sharing that information with, say, a member of the clergy. The former instance is gossiping; the latter is sharing information with someone who can truly help.
Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir, director of the Business Response Forum at the Center for Business Ethics, Jerusalem College of Technology, suggests that disclosing information you believe would be helpful is subject to “the ABCs of disclosure.” According to Rabbi Meir, you should make sure the information is (A) accurate; that disclosure is critical to achieve some (B) benefit; that you are (C) certain of the information; that your (D) desire is constructive; and that the information will be used for benefit in an (E) equitable way. And of course, remember the final question to ask yourself: “Is it necessary to reveal the information?”
How can good words sometimes cause destruction?
Let’s say that Dave gets a raise. You see Joe and say, “Hey, Joe, did you hear? Dave just got a raise! That is so wonderful!” Now, Joe just got laid off so he’s not going to be too thrilled about Dave’s raise right now. This isn’t the time to share that information, even though it’s something good about Dave. Does this mean you can never say anything good about someone? Of course not. But it does mean that we want to think before we speak.
Your book mentions the “Reverse Gossip Game.” What is that?
In this game, instead of telling people the gossip people say about them or others, you repeat only the good that people say, even if you have to suggest that good. For example, John tells you that Mary is really lazy. You could say, “I’ve never noticed that. She is talented. Wouldn’t you agree?” John grudgingly says yes. Later you see Mary and you tell her that John mentioned she was talented. (After all, he did agree to that.) Mary expresses surprise and notes that she always felt John was judgmental and snobby. You say, “I’ve never noticed that. He’s a hard worker, isn’t he?” Mary says yes, she has to give him credit for that.
The next time John and Mary cross paths they’ll see each other in an entirely different light, with a completely different attitude toward one another and a different set of expectations. Some people might think you manipulated this situation but remember: Creating peace is never a negative concept.
How can judging people favorably improve our lives?
When you judge people favorably you reframe the situation. You look at the other person in a whole different light. And you’re less likely to gossip when you judge favorably. Instead of taking words at face value, you wonder if maybe there’s an interpretation to the words someone said that you don’t understand -- because you don’t judge people just by what you think they said.
What’s your most important piece of advice?
Build on your small successes. Don’t think it’s an all-or-nothing situation to get rid of your gossip habit. You need to realize it’s not going to happen overnight. Take pleasure in the fact that you’re giving it your best shot. We’re not supposed to be perfect; we’re just supposed to try our best.
Read part 1 of this book review in the previous post.
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