Do you think "selfish" is a dirty word? If you routinely spend your time and energy attending to the needs of others before you think about yourself, personal coach Cheryl Richardson has a message for you: Get your priorities straight. Author of Take Time for Your Life, Richardson is an expert at teaching folks to overcome the common obstacles that steal precious time. She recently described her plan for regaining control of life and making time for the things that are most important.
What is extreme self-care?
Most people think about simple, temporary things when they think of self-care -- getting a massage or having a night out with your spouse. The concept of "extreme self-care" is one in which you take the concept of your body, mind and spirit more seriously. Look at where you're not honoring those parts of yourself on a daily basis. I use the word "extreme" because it grabs people's attention. Extreme self-care almost seems indulgent, which on some level is a good thing because most people, especially those who put the needs of others before their own, need to be challenged go to the opposite extreme in order to fall somewhere in the middle.
Take a serious look at the different areas of your life: your relationships, your environment, your work life, your family life, your own personal time, your body and mind, your intellectual health, your psychological health, your spirit. Look at all those different areas and then ask yourself if you're really taking good care of yourself -- or where you're violating yourself. Do you have a friend who constantly drains your energy but you don't say anything about it? Do you have a boss who humiliates you in front of other employees but you never set a boundary? Is your financial health in bad shape but you keep using charge cards, even though you can't pay off the debt you already have? What are the things you need to do to take good care of yourself?
How can people get their priorities right?
The first thing to do is to take some time to consider what your priorities are. Most of us are so busy that if I were to ask you, in the middle of a crazy and frenetic day, what your priorities are, the answer that you'd give me would be very different than if I asked you after you'd sat quietly for an afternoon and really contemplated what the things are in your life that really need your time and attention.
Most people will say their priorities are their loved ones or their health, but if you look at how they actually spend their time, it doesn't match up. It looks like people spend a lot more time on other things, rather than what they say is important. So the first step is to begin an inquiry of your priorities. Stop, take some quiet time, and ask yourself, "What needs my attention at this time in my life?" I'm not talking about goals and dreams here; I'm talking about things such as your financial situation, or your marriage, or a health concern. Focus on shaping up the life you already have, and then revisit that inquiry about your priorities every three to six months until you get your life in good shape.
How can people identify what's draining them?
Once you are clear on your priorities, it becomes easier to identify the things that aren't on the list. After you identify your top five priorities, the next question to ask is: "What's going on in my life that's preventing me from honoring those priorities, and what feels like it's draining my energy?" When you do that you might notice that it's the simple things. For instance, you get in your car and think, "I haven't had an oil change in a long time. I keep putting it off, but I really need to get that done." Sometimes it's the little day-to-day things that are broken or need to be maintained that drain your energy on a regular basis.
Or it might be a bigger drain, like the taxes that haven't been filed or a tax bill that hasn't been paid. It may be an aging parent who needs your attention and it feels draining because you're not getting any support. Begin to take an inventory during the day of the things that drive you crazy. Sometimes it's people; for example, a friend who's constantly complaining about her job, or a family member who complains about his marriage.
Try to identify what's preventing you from honoring your priorities. You might, for example, be volunteering your time in several places, but you haven't taken time to work on your home or your marriage or your financial health. You'll begin to realize there are certain things that you need to let go for a while.
Once you identify your energy drains there are three ways to handle them:
- Do it yourself. That's only for the things you, personally, need to do, like going to the dentist or the doctor.
- Hire someone else to do it. You can hire someone, if you can afford it, or you can barter with somebody.
- Let go of it altogether. You may decide, for example, that you have to stop volunteering for the next six months so you can spend time on your life. The gift of time is the most precious gift there is. Give it to yourself.
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