Book Review: Gossip by Bob Burg and Lori Palatnik, Part 2

Part 2 of an interview with Bob Burg and book review of Gossip: Ten Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul

Gossip, according to author Bob Burg, is like “feathers in the wind” -- once feathers are scattered to the wind it’s impossible to get them back. And once the hurtful words of gossip are spread, it’s as impossible to take them back as it is to retrieve the scattered feathers. In this conclusion of our interview, Mr. Burg shares his insight on the rewards of giving up gossip.

How can we tell the difference between gossip and information that should be shared?
If divulging a particular piece of information would protect someone’s physical, emotional or financial health, then not only is it OK to share that information, one is encouraged to do so. In other words, you can communicate information, even if it reflects negatively on a person, if there is a clear, positive, constructive purpose; if you genuinely are trying to help that person. There’s a difference between speaking to friends about someone’s troubled marriage, for instance, and sharing that information with, say, a member of the clergy. The former instance is gossiping; the latter is sharing information with someone who can truly help.

Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir, director of the Business Response Forum at the Center for Business Ethics, Jerusalem College of Technology, suggests that disclosing information you believe would be helpful is subject to “the ABCs of disclosure.” According to Rabbi Meir, you should make sure the information is (A) accurate; that disclosure is critical to achieve some (B) benefit; that you are (C) certain of the information; that your (D) desire is constructive; and that the information will be used for benefit in an (E) equitable way. And of course, remember the final question to ask yourself: “Is it necessary to reveal the information?”

How can good words sometimes cause destruction?
Let’s say that Dave gets a raise. You see Joe and say, “Hey, Joe, did you hear? Dave just got a raise! That is so wonderful!” Now, Joe just got laid off so he’s not going to be too thrilled about Dave’s raise right now. This isn’t the time to share that information, even though it’s something good about Dave. Does this mean you can never say anything good about someone? Of course not. But it does mean that we want to think before we speak.

Your book mentions the “Reverse Gossip Game.” What is that?
In this game, instead of telling people the gossip people say about them or others, you repeat only the good that people say, even if you have to suggest that good. For example, John tells you that Mary is really lazy. You could say, “I’ve never noticed that. She is talented. Wouldn’t you agree?” John grudgingly says yes. Later you see Mary and you tell her that John mentioned she was talented. (After all, he did agree to that.) Mary expresses surprise and notes that she always felt John was judgmental and snobby. You say, “I’ve never noticed that. He’s a hard worker, isn’t he?” Mary says yes, she has to give him credit for that.

The next time John and Mary cross paths they’ll see each other in an entirely different light, with a completely different attitude toward one another and a different set of expectations. Some people might think you manipulated this situation but remember: Creating peace is never a negative concept.

How can judging people favorably improve our lives?
When you judge people favorably you reframe the situation. You look at the other person in a whole different light. And you’re less likely to gossip when you judge favorably. Instead of taking words at face value, you wonder if maybe there’s an interpretation to the words someone said that you don’t understand -- because you don’t judge people just by what you think they said.

What’s your most important piece of advice?
Build on your small successes. Don’t think it’s an all-or-nothing situation to get rid of your gossip habit. You need to realize it’s not going to happen overnight. Take pleasure in the fact that you’re giving it your best shot. We’re not supposed to be perfect; we’re just supposed to try our best.

Read part 1 of this book review in the previous post.

Book Review: Gossip by Bob Burg and Lori Palatnik, Part 1

Part 1 of an interview with Bob Burg and book review of Gossip: Ten Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul

Bob Burg is a former gossiper. He readily admits that at one point in his life, whenever he’d get angry at someone, he’d spread gossip about that person. But this co-author (with Lori Palatnik) of “Gossip” came to realize how destructive gossiping can be; that it can ruin lives, split families, alienate friends, and destroy businesses. In this first part of our interview, Mr. Burg offers suggestions for ridding your life of that negative talk -- gossip.

Why do you think people gossip?
Gossip comes from a place within us, but there are different reasons why each of us gossips. For some people, it’s just fun to gossip -- if it wasn’t some sort of fun, people wouldn’t do it. Unfortunately, it’s fun at someone else’s expense. As Lori Palatnik, my co-author, says, “It’s fun -- unless you’re the target of it.” Some people gossip because they think they have to put someone else down in order to build themselves up.

People might gossip because they feel they have nothing else to talk about, or they think they can gain power by putting down someone else. If that’s the reason you gossip, it’s time to ask yourself where you are in your life. Life must be rather empty if your conversation has to be about other people in a negative way. So ask yourself if you’re reaching your potential.

We define gossip as “any type of harmful or hurtful communication that’s not absolutely necessary to share.” With that definition in mind, there is no good gossip. There’s networking and sharing positive information, but any “harmful or hurtful communication” is gossip -- and that’s all negative.

What are some ways gossiping can cause us to hurt ourselves?
Realize that if you have good “people skills,” you’ll be liked and trusted. Gossipers typically are not liked and they never are trusted. They don’t have people’s confidence. But to become gossip-free makes your life a lot more peaceful. It makes your relationships healthy, and it adds to the emotional and financial prosperity in your life. When you’re not gossiping, your people skills improve, and other people feel as if they know you, like you and trust you.

What are some ways we can avoid listening to gossip?
One way is to stay away from situations where gossip is spoken. For instance, if there’s a social get-together or business meeting, and you know a certain group of people tends to gossip to each other, stay away from that group. Of course, staying away from an entire group of people isn’t always realistic, so you need other ways to avoid listening to gossip. Let’s say there s a certain person who always gossips. She’s your friend, but you’d prefer not to have that gossiping part of the relationship continue. What do you do? You prepare in advance something to say that will change the subject.

For instance, say you know that Mary will try to corner you to share a juicy tidbit. But you also know that Mary has a daughter who’s a star soccer player. You wait until Mary takes a breath, and then you congratulate her on her daughter’s recent win. If Mary tries to get back to gossiping after that, change the subject again. Finally, if you can’t keep her from returning the conversation to gossip, correct her with kindness. Use an “I” message, which isn’t accusatory. For example, say something like, “I feel a little uncomfortable talking about David when he’s not here.” As long as you say it with kindness, respect and tact, Mary will get your message and not take offense. Remember that tact is the language of strength.

Read part 2 of this Gossip book review in the next post.

Book Review: If You Could Hear What I See by Kathy Buckley

Book review and interview with Kathy Buckley, author of If You Could Hear What I See

Award-winning author and comedienne Kathy Buckley grew up in a silent world, but she hasn’t let her deafness define who she is. She made a conscious choice to overcome the obstacles in her life path, and forged ahead with tenacity, wit and a limitless spirit. This book review chronicles her incredible experience.

You’ve overcome a number of obstacles and faced many challenges in your life. What stands out?
The biggest obstacle in my life was my attitude. I didn’t know how to make choices; I didn’t love myself enough to know I could make better choices for myself. I thought my whole life was wrapped around the labels that had been put on me -- people telling me “You can’t…” or “You’ll never be able to…” And I believed those labels were who I was. I kept looking for love and acceptance from other people, but I couldn’t get something from someone else when I haven’t given it to myself. I finally realized I could create who I am, not have it determined by society. I learned that for people to love and respect me I had to love and respect myself first. The biggest challenge in my life was learning to receive -- and receive unconditionally, without feeling I had to give back right away.

How did you face the challenges of things you couldn’t do because of your deafness?
It’s so frustrating, because it’s not just about my deafness. If I were a mother, I’d never tell my child the things he wouldn’t be able to do. It’s up to each individual what he or she can or cannot do. If you walk into a room full of deaf kids, you shouldn’t expect them all to be the same just because they’re all deaf. Each one looks at deafness in a unique way; they’re each taught about deafness in different ways. We’re all individuals, so to label us as a group -- “deaf people” -- is ridiculous. Each individual person has a gift to give, but people go through life thinking they can’t do it because someone told them so. When we limit a child by telling him what he isn’t able to do, we teach that child to limit himself.

Fortunately for me, I finally realized that if I was deaf, it was for a reason. (Maybe I wasn’t supposed to listen to those people who told me I couldn’t do something!) One day I looked in the mirror and saw what God had created, instead of what society had created, and I liked what God created better.

What’s the story of your being arrested?
I had been in an accident -- a Jeep ran over me as I was lying on beach. I was in a wheelchair and didn’t know how well my body would function again. Then someone told me that fish was brain food. I believed that although my body wasn’t working, if I could just keep my brain alive long enough my body would eventually follow through for me. But I had no money. I was on welfare, living on $100 a month and my rent was $80. So I sewed pockets inside one of my jackets so I could steal cans of tuna so I could have food in my house that would keep my brain alive. That was my belief at 20 years old. I didn’t know any better, so I got busted for stealing tuna.

To this day I have a can of tuna in my house at all times, partly because I’m hungry but mainly to remind me to never let fear conquer me again. There’s an old saying: “Fear knocked on my door. Faith answered it and no one was there.” That can of tuna represents how fearful I was of my body and how fearful I was of starving. I stole because I wanted to stay alive. I didn’t have the courage to ask someone for help because I didn’t love myself enough. Sometimes ego gets in the way of surviving.

What did you think the first time you were able to hear with the help of a hearing aid?
I thought, “Oh, man! You people live in a noisy world!” Everywhere you go there’s music playing -- in an elevator there’s music, in a restaurant there’s music, in the gynecologist’s office there’s music. (I’m thinking, do I get candlelight and dinner with this?) Music is everywhere and it’s as annoying as heck! I wondered if people were afraid of the silence. Now I go to places and take my hearing aid off because I don’t want to hear.

The first time I did hear, it was scary. I put my hearing aid on and walked out of the doctor’s office, and the first thing I heard was the traffic. Then I got in my car and heard a clicking noise and thought how lucky I was to have a hearing aid so I could tell there was something wrong with the car -- until I found out it was just loose coins sliding around in the ashtray.

But the important thing about the gift of hearing wasn’t about sound; it was about an identity. No one explained my hearing loss to me. I didn’t know that I was different from anyone else. When I got my hearing aid, I finally understood what I couldn’t hear. If I’d known that sooner, my world would not have been so shattered or so challenging. For a long time I thought I was retarded -- that’s what my belief was. When I got my hearing aid, I realized how I’d made my life so complicated when it could have been as simple as being able to hear. It was incredible.

You do stand-up comedy. What was your reaction to hearing applause for the first time?
It was overwhelming, not just to be able to hear the applause but because it was a sign of acceptance. It was also strange at first to just stand there and accept the applause, but I learned to love it. And because I keep getting new hearing aids, even to this day I hear certain sounds for the first time; sounds I don’t quite understand because I’d never heard them before. My hearing aid allows my inner child to come out and play. That’s great because she didn’t get to play when I was a little girl. It’s incredible.

What’s your most important advice?
The best thing you can do in life is look at your past; then take all the goodness that’s in the past and keep it with you so you can make peace with the negative. Things happen in life and what you make of it is up to you -- how you learn to forgive and love and respect yourself. The present and the future have a more significant meaning than the past. Your past is a small portion of who you are. Your present is a huge portion of who you make of yourself, and your future is yours to approach. It’s the ultimate gift. If I could leave one message, it would be that you are not alone in this world. God is with you, and you are loved.

I hope you enjoyed this book review of If You Could Hear What I See by Kathy Buckley.

Visit the National Association for the Deaf Web site

Visit Kathy Buckley's Web site

Book Review: Don’t Tie Yourself Up in "Nots" by Dave Schloss, Part 2

Conclusion of a two-part book review and interview with Dave Schloss, author of Don’t Tie Yourself Up in "Nots"

(Click here to read part 1)

Does it seem as if there aren’t enough hours in the day to accomplish everything you want to do? Do you wish your life were different but you don’t know how to change it? In this second half of our book review and interview with motivational speaker Dave Schloss, you’ll find invaluable tips for setting goals and how to make the most of your time.

How do self-confidence and fear impact our efforts to change?
Everybody has fears, but most of our fears are self-imposed; we create them. Some people have a tendency to blow things out of proportion. They are afraid that if they take action it will bring a negative result. They start thinking of the problems they might face, and how hard it would be to overcome those problems. It seems monumental. It gets so far out of control that they stop themselves from doing what they really want to do with their lives.

Just remember the acronym for FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. That says it all, and it’s really what stops so many people. Some people even have a fear of success. As soon as they start doing well at something, they convince themselves that they don’t deserve success or that it’s not going to last. They should be telling themselves they deserve to be successful and that it’s going to continue because that builds a subconscious belief that it’s true. When you tell yourself that success can’t last, it usually doesn’t.

How can we set goals that win?
Goal setting is critical to success. First of all, goals have to be envisioned. It’s really not possible for you to move in a certain direction unless you can first see yourself going there or obtaining those goals. Secondly, you must have a passionate desire to achieve those goals. Making comments like "I think I’d like to do that" is just not good enough. You have to have a passionate desire or a drive to reach your goal. It has to be so strong that nothing can shake you from it. You must have a dynamic passion in order to go in that direction and achieve your goals. Thirdly, your goals must be well-defined and measurable. If you say, for example, "I want to be a better salesperson," that’s not well-defined and so it’s unmeasurable. But if you say, "I’m going to take these certain courses to become a better salesperson," checking them off as you complete them, that makes them well-defined and measurable.

Be flexible and make sure your goals are attainable. I believe we can achieve whatever we can believe, but a positive attitude isn’t everything. If, for example, I wanted to be the heavyweight champion of the world, and my weight is 170 pounds, I don’t care how positive-minded I am, I’m not going to be heavyweight champion. So for me, that’s not an attainable goal. But if there are things that I really believe in my heart I can do, that helps make the goal attainable.

To be truly effective, your goals have to be written down. That step dramatically increases your chances of attaining them. Of course, you then have to take action. Too many people have an "analysis paralysis" -- they go through almost all of the right steps but never get around to taking action. Writing down your goals and taking action is the key.

Think about this: If someone were to stop you at any given moment and ask you to name your No. 1 goal in life, could you do it? If you have to think about it, you don’t have a goal. Make sure your No. 1 goal is foremost in your mind, so no matter when someone asks you, you immediately know what it is.

How does time control factor into success?
If a magic genie were to grant us a wish for anything we wanted, not too many of us would ask for more time. Yet time is a precious commodity because we’re given a set amount. We all have 24 hours a day with which to accomplish our goals. What we don't know is how many of those days we will get, so it becomes critical to maximize our time.

The chapter on time management in my book is about finding a way to make sure you’re controlling time, rather than having it control you. Lots of people look back at their day and say, "I don’t know where all the time went." It’s amazing how much time we waste, but there are things you can do to maximize your time throughout the day and get more things accomplished. For example, keep a record of your activities for three months to help you recognize how you spend your time. And draw up a "must-do" list every day so you can get things accomplished.

If you want to get more time into your life, try leaving your TV off for a week. I’m not trying to say television is bad, but I think it’s probably true that if most people totaled the number of hours they sat in front of the TV over the course of a week, it would be a staggering amount. Another way to get more time into your life is to listen to self-improvement tapes while you’re in your car. You’re maximizing time that would have otherwise been wasted.

What’s the most important piece of advice for those who want a change?
The best thing you can do is decide what that change is going to be. The question that needs to be asked is "What would I try if I knew I could not fail?" Ask yourself that question, wait for the real answer, and then go after it with everything that you have. Be sure that you’re passionate. You can’t just have a passing interest in something and expect great success. You have to really be on fire for it. Focus on what you want. A magnifying glass does nothing if you wave it around, but it can burn through objects if you focus it. That’s the kind of focus you need to have to go after things you want to attain. And once you start, don’t quit. It sounds obvious, but it’s important. It seems so many people get incredibly close to success, but because they can't quite see it, they give up, usually right before it is about to pay off.

Anybody can stay motivated toward his or her goals for a couple months. Some people can stay motivated for a couple years. But a champion, a winner, can stay motivated for whatever time it takes to win, and it doesn’t matter how long that is. Don’t quit!

Don’t Tie Yourself Up in "Nots" by Dave Schloss is available at DaveSchloss.com. To read Dave's advice for investors, visit his investment advice, retirement investing and term life insurance advice pages.